In the midst of my busy workday, I received this text from my fiance: 
 
What should he wear to T-ball practice? He’s in a Darth Vader costume
right now.

 My boy. The one who graduated from kindergarten today. The one who is
quickly developing a love of Star Wars, light sabers and who alternates between the dark side and Obi Wan Kenobi. His summer has begun. Soon he will be a first grader but first there are many adventures to be had, beginning with an epic intergalactic battle with my fiancé. 

I check Facebook and I see the faces of so many of my friend’s children on their last days of school. Such sweet faces, ever maturing. In my mind they are so much younger. It’s the reminder of how quickly the years pass.

 And amidst the smiles, the congratulations…that unwanted feeling tugs at me subtly at first and then glaringly. It’s there…lurking. Like a snake it sneaks up on me and grabs hold. Grief. Sudden and harsh, the wave hits me…the tears spring forward and I fight them back. Then I declare defeat and I let them go. 

Bella. My sweet, beautiful girl with the pink glasses, gorgeous wavy curls and adorable laugh. The one who held my hand and loved cuddling. 

Sometimes I cannot believe she is gone. She would be wrapping up second grade now if she were here. I look at my son and I see her. The same hair color, the same beautiful eyelashes, the same soft snore and the same crinkled eyes when they laugh hysterically. I see her in him today and I just miss her so much. 

It was an emotional day. My son’s last day in his school. Next year he will go to a new one and we left our safe place where he has learned for 3 years. This was the place we made wonderful friends, learned so many things and where they held us tight when Bella died. It’s difficult to let go. I know we will keep these friends. They are dear to us and we will make sure we carry those friendships forward. It’s just a bittersweet moment in time where you’re excited to move forward and yet moving forward means you have to let go. Change used to be easy. 

After dinner he asks if he can go watch Star Wars and play a bit more and I say yes. He hates it when I cry and it’s a little chance to let some pain out without him seeing the tears. I go upstairs, flop on the bed and let the tears go. But I am not alone. He knows me too well. And soon, he comes looking for me. Not Darth Vader – he’s still downstairs. My fiancé. He knows me so well. As he has done so many times, he holds me tight and lets me cry. And then when he senses an opening – he cheers me up. 

“Can I tell you about my day? We played Star Wars. He had his giant light saber. He let me use a tiny knife. He asked me to play with him. He was wearing his costume and he said – You stand there and I will cut your hand off. Then you should fall down. So I did all that he asked me to with full drama and then do you know what he said?”

 I said, “No, I cannot begin to guess.”

My fiancé continued: “Then as I dropped to the floor in pretend pain he says – that’s the wrong hand. I said – the wrong hand? He said yes. You should use the other hand. So I did. I tried to fight back with my tiny sword and he told me – No! You can’t touch Darth Vader. Not allowed. I told him there were too many rules and to let me know when he wants to really play instead of just ordering me around. Then he said – OK, well, you can touch me a little bit with the sword but not much.”

This whole exchange made me laugh. The vision of my fiancé being ordered around by my 6 year old. Then they re-enacted the whole thing for me tonight complete with my son’s elaborate ninja poses. It made me laugh. 
 
As I put my sweet boy to bed tonight I asked him who he was. Darth Vader? Luke Skywalker? Han Solo? Obi Wan? He said, “I am DEFINITELY not Han Solo! He was destroyed! They turned him into gold.” Then he immediately fell asleep with his light saber attached to his pajamas. As I tucked him in, I just stared at him. My boy. Growing up so fast. 

When one part of your heart is in heaven and one is on earth, you know how precious this moment is. I find myself staring at him and beyond him. Watching him and remembering Bella. Feeling grateful for the experience of being her mother and
his. It’s a feeling that I will never get used to. The dual existence of grief and laughter. I guess that at some point, every life is characterized by this odd duality. I just wish it weren’t our reality. 

After Bella died last February, I took up running. I was so out of
shape when she passed away and I felt like I was standing at the intersection of fall apart or pull it together. I started a diet and a fitness routine. My goal
was to lose 30 pounds and be a runner in The Patriots Cup – a 3k race that
benefits The Arc of Northern Virginia. 

The reason that goal was so very important to me is that Bella’s bones
broke. An undetected calcium and vitamin D deficiency meant that her body just broke into pieces. She was born with so many problems and missed out on so many wonderful experiences. It seemed appropriate to make The Patriots Cup an annual event to benefit The Arc in Bella’s sweet
memory.
 
I reached out to friends and family and asked them to Join Team Bella and run or walk with me in the race. Last Saturday marked Team Bella’s second year of participation in Patriots Cup. We didn’t win a trophy and we weren’t fast. But boy were we mighty! There were about 50 members of Team Bella this year and we raised close to $4000 for The Arc of Northern Virginia  and will help people
with intellectual and developmental disabilities and their families. I know firsthand how The Arc can literally save families by informing them of services, rights, and activities that allow people with disabilities to thrive.  

Let me tell you a little about Team Bella. First, we have a beautiful logo that was made by Actual Size Creative last year and given to us for free. The folks at Actual Size are amazingly creative and talented and when I asked them if they could design a logo for us, they jumped at the chance and created one that is perfect for remembering Bella. Some of our members donated but didn’t participate. Among them was my mother, my aunt, some of my very best friends, and some very generous colleagues. Other members ran or walked this weekend and donated. As I ran along I thought about each person who supported our efforts and how so many of them had been there from the very beginning when Bella was born. 

This year my son ran in the race. He had his teachers on either side of him and as I watched him run across the finish line with all his might, I was so proud and so very thankful that he is healthy and can join me for this special
event and grateful that his teachers have joined Team Bella!

 I ran with the father of my children. He is no longer my husband, but he is my friend. It brought me such joy to share this experience with him too. Last year he brought our son. This year we all ran and perhaps fittingly, he and
I crossed the finish line together just as we had with all of Bella’s life events – as a team.

My fiancé walked with Bella’s nurse and one of Bella’s teachers who we love so dearly. Words cannot adequately express the admiration and the love I feel for these three amigos. I also watched them cross the finish line. My fiancé even ran the last part of the race. 

Some of my dearest friends ran with me. Among them was Kirk who literally has been there for me at every step since before Bella was born. He ran by my side last year and this year. He is one of our best runners and could blow my pace out of the water and yet he runs with me, helping me strategize and making sure I am ok. I love him so much. He is such a beautiful person. His wife and daughter are too. They honor Bella and think of her all the time and even visit her grave frequently. 

The members of Team Bella are keeping her memory alive and bright. Her speech therapist, her teachers, her physical therapist to name a few. As I saw them at check in, I thought of the enormous role they played in her life and how
they held us, comforted us and waited with us for an entire weekend at the hospital as we said goodbye to Bella and now are still giving to us to help keep her spirit alive. 
 
And a big part of Team Bella is due to my personal trainer and his clients who last year and this year represented a third of Team Bella. These folks are new friends for me and it really touches my heart to know that they
want to be part of Team Bella too. 

Some of my teammates are my colleagues and I am deeply grateful for their friendship and support. Some of Team Bella’s most important members couldn’t be there this year but will be back in 2015. We missed them but we knew
they were with us in spirit! 

It was a very special day in memory of a very special girl is dearly loved and deeply missed. It felt so good to run, so good to raise much needed funds for a wonderful organization and so awesome to be reminded of the extreme power of love and friendship and how it fuels your heart and can heal you and bring you from the deepest valleys. I know sweet Bella is in heaven beaming with pride at us all. I so wish she were here to hug and kiss but I know that she is in paradise. Thank you so very much to Team Bella for another very successful race!