For most of my years on this earth, I have happily said goodbye to the year and welcomed a new one warmly and with the possibility of great experiences. I think that is largely because many of the years have been equal parts good/bad or perhaps just mediocre. However, when it's time to bid adieu to a particularly spectacular year, it's more difficult. 2019 set an exceptionally high standard for 2020 to match. It was quite possibly one of the greatest years of my life filled with unexpected joy and challenges. Also, it marks the end of another decade - which fills me with nostalgia, memories and a little bit of wistfulness.
When I look back on the decade, I am certain that 2010-2020 shaped me, shook me, transformed me and challenged me far more than I ever believed possible. This was the decade of my 40s and it was turbulent, stressful, tragic, followed by intense self examination and care and finally ending in renewed hope and new love. As I depart my fourth decade and enter my fifth later this year, I am truly happy. I know who I am. I know where I want to go and I know who I will be journeying with. I am grateful for all that I have. In 10 years time I experienced:
A much more demanding and challenging career path and countless business trips
The intense joys and sorrows of raising a special needs child with major medical problems
Depression
Chairing a board of directors
Back to back blizzards in 2010 resulting in 36 inches of snow in a week (for a Native Texan, this is major)
The end of a marriage and all the lost dreams that collapsed along with it
My only remaining (and beloved) grandmother's death
A journey to an amicable co-parenting arrangement
Experiencing intense love and support of friends and family in Bella's last month
The end of one of my two children's lives, her burial and the days that followed lost in a haze of sadness
The fear of losing the only child I have left and all that has been associated with that
My college friend's sudden death of her husband at the age of 44 leaving her with 3 girls
Watching my child learn to swim, fish, ice skate, play hockey, basketball and baseball
Parenting my son through the loss of his paternal grandfather who was dear to all of us
Dealing with relatives who do not and never will understand the experience of having and losing Bella
Living through 5 years in a toxic relationship but learning a lot from it so I don't ever end up in one again
Adopting a fabulous rescue dog who filled a hole in our family
Vacations to Disney (2 times), Hawaii, Costa Rica (2 times), NYC, Paris for New Years Eve, Budapest for Christmas
Ziplining, skiing, running a few 5ks, riding a horse again after 35 years, learning to grill, paddleboarding
Losing my mother to COPD and lung cancer due to 50+ years of smoking
Receiving the call that my dad had a massive heart attack and being grateful for his survival
Attending the 2015 Superbowl in Houston - Patriots v Falcons - one of the best ones ever
Buying a house in a neighborhood we love
Worshipping at the National Cathedral
Watching the TCU Horned Frogs WIN the Rose Bowl in a white knuckle game with the Oregon Ducks
Helping my sister through her own personal tragedy and feeling helpless to help her
Watching the Washington Capitols win the Stanley Cup
Learning of my son's dual diagnosis of ADHD and anxiety and working to get our arms around that
Getting a cockapoo puppy that is equal parts adorable and destructive
Realizing that my math abilities stop at 5th grade math by today's standards
Falling in love with the kindest, most amazing man I have ever known
Marrying him and blending a family of 2 boys, one grown son, his wife and 2 stepgrandkids, 2 dogs and 1 dog-cat
Watching my sister meet a wonderfully kind, generous and loving man and getting engaged
Having our first Christmas with the blended families (6 kids, 4 adults)
Continued suffering as a Cowboys fan but successfully converting my son as a fan
Watching the Washington Nationals win the World Series with my son
There's many more moments of course, but these were the moments that brought the greatest joys and the intense sorrows. More than anything in my life, the deaths broke my heart repeatedly but also instilled in me a gratefulness for health, for life and the true gift of growing older as well as the difficult task of understanding the unpredictable nature of mortality and the extreme importance of living each day because we are not promised another. As I turn 50 in the spring of 2020, I'm proud of the wrinkles, the hard-earned wisdom, the privilege of a comfortable home, a career that I enjoy and where I am valued and a love filled with deep mutual care, nurturing and adoration. I am also forever grateful for the experience of motherhood and all the joys and challenges it brings. Even on challenging days I treasure my time with my son. When 2030 rolls around he will be graduating from college. That's a difficult reality to envision but I know he and I will grown into the changes ahead.
As I reflect on 2010-2019 and look forward to what lies ahead, I am keenly aware that the best years are the next 10. I'm still youthful and healthy, my son lives at home, I'm newly married to a great man and my family (nuclear and extended) is intact. I'd like to think that I learned a lot about love, loss and life in the last 10 years to help me truly live in the moment of each day we have together, to bask in the love that has been created, to focus on what matters and to teach our boys to grow into men. It's a special moment in time. As 2019 turns into 2020 tonight, I wish I could just hit the pause button at the transition point and take it all in -- the lessons of the past, the possibilities of the future -- and say a proper goodbye and hello.
When I look back on the decade, I am certain that 2010-2020 shaped me, shook me, transformed me and challenged me far more than I ever believed possible. This was the decade of my 40s and it was turbulent, stressful, tragic, followed by intense self examination and care and finally ending in renewed hope and new love. As I depart my fourth decade and enter my fifth later this year, I am truly happy. I know who I am. I know where I want to go and I know who I will be journeying with. I am grateful for all that I have. In 10 years time I experienced:
A much more demanding and challenging career path and countless business trips
The intense joys and sorrows of raising a special needs child with major medical problems
Depression
Chairing a board of directors
Back to back blizzards in 2010 resulting in 36 inches of snow in a week (for a Native Texan, this is major)
The end of a marriage and all the lost dreams that collapsed along with it
My only remaining (and beloved) grandmother's death
A journey to an amicable co-parenting arrangement
Experiencing intense love and support of friends and family in Bella's last month
The end of one of my two children's lives, her burial and the days that followed lost in a haze of sadness
The fear of losing the only child I have left and all that has been associated with that
My college friend's sudden death of her husband at the age of 44 leaving her with 3 girls
Watching my child learn to swim, fish, ice skate, play hockey, basketball and baseball
Parenting my son through the loss of his paternal grandfather who was dear to all of us
Dealing with relatives who do not and never will understand the experience of having and losing Bella
Living through 5 years in a toxic relationship but learning a lot from it so I don't ever end up in one again
Adopting a fabulous rescue dog who filled a hole in our family
Vacations to Disney (2 times), Hawaii, Costa Rica (2 times), NYC, Paris for New Years Eve, Budapest for Christmas
Ziplining, skiing, running a few 5ks, riding a horse again after 35 years, learning to grill, paddleboarding
Losing my mother to COPD and lung cancer due to 50+ years of smoking
Receiving the call that my dad had a massive heart attack and being grateful for his survival
Attending the 2015 Superbowl in Houston - Patriots v Falcons - one of the best ones ever
Buying a house in a neighborhood we love
Worshipping at the National Cathedral
Watching the TCU Horned Frogs WIN the Rose Bowl in a white knuckle game with the Oregon Ducks
Helping my sister through her own personal tragedy and feeling helpless to help her
Watching the Washington Capitols win the Stanley Cup
Learning of my son's dual diagnosis of ADHD and anxiety and working to get our arms around that
Getting a cockapoo puppy that is equal parts adorable and destructive
Realizing that my math abilities stop at 5th grade math by today's standards
Falling in love with the kindest, most amazing man I have ever known
Marrying him and blending a family of 2 boys, one grown son, his wife and 2 stepgrandkids, 2 dogs and 1 dog-cat
Watching my sister meet a wonderfully kind, generous and loving man and getting engaged
Having our first Christmas with the blended families (6 kids, 4 adults)
Continued suffering as a Cowboys fan but successfully converting my son as a fan
Watching the Washington Nationals win the World Series with my son
There's many more moments of course, but these were the moments that brought the greatest joys and the intense sorrows. More than anything in my life, the deaths broke my heart repeatedly but also instilled in me a gratefulness for health, for life and the true gift of growing older as well as the difficult task of understanding the unpredictable nature of mortality and the extreme importance of living each day because we are not promised another. As I turn 50 in the spring of 2020, I'm proud of the wrinkles, the hard-earned wisdom, the privilege of a comfortable home, a career that I enjoy and where I am valued and a love filled with deep mutual care, nurturing and adoration. I am also forever grateful for the experience of motherhood and all the joys and challenges it brings. Even on challenging days I treasure my time with my son. When 2030 rolls around he will be graduating from college. That's a difficult reality to envision but I know he and I will grown into the changes ahead.
As I reflect on 2010-2019 and look forward to what lies ahead, I am keenly aware that the best years are the next 10. I'm still youthful and healthy, my son lives at home, I'm newly married to a great man and my family (nuclear and extended) is intact. I'd like to think that I learned a lot about love, loss and life in the last 10 years to help me truly live in the moment of each day we have together, to bask in the love that has been created, to focus on what matters and to teach our boys to grow into men. It's a special moment in time. As 2019 turns into 2020 tonight, I wish I could just hit the pause button at the transition point and take it all in -- the lessons of the past, the possibilities of the future -- and say a proper goodbye and hello.
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